French Renaissance writer Michel de Montaigne is attributed to saying, “My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.”
What are the ways in which your mind conjures up whole made-for-daytime television episodes about all that might go wrong in your life? It might be not living up to your own expectations or the perceived expectations of others, not getting into college. But you might also only be moments away from total catastrophizing, that a B means you’ll end up digging ditches and living an unfulfilling life eating hot dogs for dinner every night.
I had a flashback recently to one of my earliest memories of doing this. Even from the young, fresh age of 8, I was already reinforcing these deeply conditioned habits. There were no cell phones in those days, and a girl from my class had called my home phone and left a message on our physical answering machine asking if I could come over to her house that weekend. My task, in trying to be a ‘normal’ kid and seeking connection, was to call her back and accept such an offer.
I remember I was SO nervous to talk to someone on the phone. I could imagine all the ways that I would fail, fumble, and embarrass myself, and there was no way that the conversation could just happen without complete and total preparation. My parents helped me write down and rehearse the whole conversation. I can’t even recall the actual phone conversation itself, nothing memorable happened, but boy, do I remember how many terrible misfortunes I lived through. I felt like my natural self was fundamentally not enough.
Nerves are natural, as are the physical reactions we have to what we perceive as stressful situations. Of course, these emotions and reactions can have an intelligence to them. They might be alerting us to real danger. However, for infinite reasons of better well-being and orientation to yourself, others, and the world, it’s critically important to be able to distinguish between a self-made web you can entangle yourself in and actual danger. For years, pre-mindfulness practice, I somehow thought I was keeping myself safe by running through all possible scenarios. If I’m prepared for anything, then it can’t be so bad, I told myself. However, I had no idea that the stories I told myself negatively reinforced false beliefs that I was not enough. Instead of trusting in myself, I had made myself and even the world at times an enemy.
Practicing mindfulness can help us distinguish between actual danger and self-made worries, and can also help reduce negative thoughts and increase self-acceptance. You can indeed pick up the remote, turn off those mental made-for-TV dramas, and live more openly in the present moment.