One of my least favorite Spanish grammar lessons in high school with Señora Nula was conjugating the conditional— “Si salimos ahora, llegaremos a tiempo." At least in Romance languages, cause and effect are built into how we talk and, therefore, how we think. Of course we have this structure because it can be true— if I close my finger in the car door, it will hurt! Yet these thought patterns also often bleed over into how we conceive of the world and our place in it-- "If I do c, d will happen" or "if x happens, then I will feel y"; or "if I feel a, then b is going to happen." What prognostications! If we explore our thought patterns more deeply, we might find that subconsciously, it feels like we have been in situations where there was a causal link when maybe it was just a correlation. We are wired to learn from past experiences how to respond to the future. However, this can serve us very poorly.
One great clip I came across is a Saturday Night Live skit with Adam Sandler. Sandler is a travel agent and reminds potential customers that they can go to Italy, but they will still be themselves while there. Worth a watch!
So often, we can hitch our prospects to the idea that if I can just change or get beyond this one person/class/grade/high school life or If I just get into this college, then my life will be set/ then I will be a happy, care-free person! While you may feel a shift if your desired outcome happens, it's unlikely that an external change of scenery or meeting a goal will significantly change you internally. It could feel like a bummer that there’s no magic bullet, but it really means that this whole college process and high school experience is truly about you and not getting to any specific college setting. That fact alone can be liberating!
A lot of research shows that whatever happens in life, no matter how amazing (winning the lottery) or how devastating (losing a loved one), our happiness setpoint actually returns to its previous state in a relatively short period of time. There is nothing that is going to make or break your life-- including your college acceptance list. At the same time, it's not your fault to get caught up in what you hope will make you happier/smarter/more successful. It's part of the cultural air we breathe, and so many people feel it.
When we meditate with open awareness, we can start notice what thoughts are coming up and begin to note them, without judgment.
Reflection: What are some if, then statements that you have gotten caught up in?
Could you think about giving yourself permission to release yourself from those that might not be true or serving you?
Mindful homework:
Notice in your interpersonal relationships if you feel yourself getting immediately reactive to anything happening or said (you feel strong, negative emotions coming up like anger, hatred, aversion), notice if this happens in the next few days or if it happened in the past week.
What was the triggering situation or words that made you feel that way?
Have you been in a similar situation or has anyone said something like that to you before? What happened in that situation?
Reflect on if you might be playing out an old narrative or story (if this person did x, then y terrible thing happened).
Imagine trying to stay open to whatever you feel and giving more space before responding to the new triggering situation. Remind yourself you’re not reliving a past moment, you’re in the present. How might you respond this time or the next time?